MY DEFINING MOMENT
In January 2014, I set out for new adventures and embarked on a journey to teach in the country of South Korea. Although I knew the experience itself would be life changing, I had no idea that its depth would be immeasurable. After what was supposed to be an experience of a lifetime, narcissistic abuse brought on by my employer and work environment caused me to return home in a state of confusion, depression and most of all desperation for understanding.
Upon returning to the United States, I attempted to resume a “normal life” and found it nearly impossible. I was suffering from horrible anxiety, hypersensitivity, and depression. I could not make sense of any of my feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Being a natural problem solver, I began researching my symptoms and stumbled upon Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and Narcissistic Abuse (NA). Reading all the characteristics and symptoms sent my head spinning, giving me flashbacks of the previous year living abroad.
Educating myself on the conditions forced me to take a retrospective look, at not only my experiences abroad, but similar ones over my entire life. Though I was not able to recognize or define the experiences over my entire life, I knew they were related to my symptoms.
Much more devastating was accepting the abuse from family members in the early parts of my childhood. I. Was. Sick. And my mind was swirling. How and why was this happening to me? I am a strong person. Did they mean to do it to me? How could I not know? Why? Why did I allow this? Is it my fault? All these questions and more caused me to question everyone and everything, including my very own existence. I was depressed for three years, but high functioning and as a result, my medical condition went unnoticed by friends, family, and myself included.
“IT WAS NOT MY FAULT”
One day, a revelation hit me: one of the key elements missing from survivors is self-love and a lack of boundaries, stemming from co-dependency. I decided to put the pieces of my life back together and it was solely my responsibility. I was to be my own savior. First, I had to tell myself, “IT WAS NOT MY FAULT” and more importantly, find out everything about self-love and setting boundaries.
Coaching and therapy taught me to achieve my goals in these areas and some. After speaking out about my experience, I found out there were others who were dealing with the same type of people and situations. During dialogue with a friend, an individual who had all the signs of a highly narcissistic personality, she told me she was glad I could help her. She had never heard of C-PTSD, NPD, or NA. She was grateful for the education and her gratitude, making my story more creditable. It is now part of my responsibility to support, counsel, and coach those who are in similar situations.
Although I have experiences with NPD, C-PTSD, NA, and other Cluster B Personality Disorders, my primary objective is to support, counsel, and coach fellow survivors on their road to recovery and discovery of their truths and self-love (self-caring behaviors).
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Once upon a time there was an alcoholic who had two sons. One son looked at his father and thought, When I grow up, I’m going to be just like my father. The other son looked at his father and thought, When I grow up, I will not be at all like my father. Surely enough, the first son grew up to be an alcoholic just like his father, while the second son grew up and never touched an alcoholic drink his entire life.
What was the difference between the two sons?
While on a panel in college one day I expressed how although people can be raised in the same environment, some may end up on less desirable paths and I have always wondered why or how that could happen. What was it that caused some of us to make productive choices and the others destructive ones. A colleague simply responded “resilience”. I had of course heard of resilience before, however, I had never described myself a such. As I thought about my life and everything that I had overcome, I realize that no other adjective describes me better than resilient. I believe my resilience was tested the most was when I lived in South Korea where the capital is Seoul. Thus, ResilientSeoul was born.
